I recently broke up with my girlfriend. We were together for the last three years, and it collapsed a few weeks ago. Like most breakups, it was devastating. It had adverse effects on both my personal and professional life. I even skipped a week’s post of this newsletter.
The rational part of my mind wanted to move on, but the emotional side kept me on the hook. The impulse to fix things and get back with her was intense. I even tried to talk her into it.
Fortunately, none of the attempts turned out to be successful. However, I learned a few important lessons about human behavior, and I thought that it would be interesting to share them with you.
I am pretty sure that you experience mental conflicts regularly. Whether it’s the urge to call your ex or to binge eat at your friend’s wedding when you are on a strict diet.
We do all sorts of things against the advice of our rational minds. It happens to us all the time. This disturbance between our attitude and behavior creates what psychologists call cognitive dissonance. Let us understand the underpinnings of cognitive dissonance and how you can deal with it.
Death Of The Vegan Desire
I had a friend in my college. She was actively involved in animal welfare activities. The idea of cows and buffalos being subjected to undeserved torture in dairy farms and slaughterhouses disturbed her. Like any other animal lover, she was attracted to the idea of veganism, so she decided to try it for herself.
Sooner, she realized that veganism is not as practical for the Indian middle class as it might seem to be. Most vegan alternatives to regular Indian food are extremely expensive. For instance, 100% vegan oat milk is three times as expensive as regular cow milk. Soy milk is even more expensive. Plant-based meat is six times more expensive than regular poultry meat. The same holds for other vegan products as well.
The fact that she was contributing to the suffering of innocent animals kept her upset for a while. She started to feel like an imposter as an animal rights activist. Being an animal rights activist made her feel like an imposter.
It took her some time, but in the end, she understood that change happens slowly. Veganism might not be a suitable practice for the Indian majority currently, but there is a lot that can be done to help the voiceless animals in the meantime.
Disturbed Harmony
What my friend experienced was the classic case of Cognitive dissonance. The inconsistency between our beliefs and actions creates a sense of discomfort. Cognitive dissonance is probably the most visible evidence of our desire for harmony. To resolve the inconsistency, something must be changed—either the belief or the actions.
My friend opted for the former, while the latter was more suitable for me. The best thing I can do to get over my ex is not to call her anymore (change in action). While the best thing my friend could do was accept that veganism was not a practical lifestyle choice for her middle-class family (change in belief).
The catch here is that there is no one objective answer to deal with cognitive dissonance. There are a few common ways in which people try to resolve their dissonance. Here’s how a chain-smoker might resolve the inconsistency between his toxic habits and the fact that smoking is unhealthy:
Change the belief or opinion to be more consistent with the other cognition or behavior (e.g., “Smoking isn’t actually that bad for you.”).
Change behavior to help restore consistency (e.g., quitting smoking).
Add another belief or opinion that helps restore consistency (e.g., “But I do eat lots of healthy food.”).
Trivialize the inconsistency. Reduce its importance. (e.g., “I enjoy smoking, so who cares about the health consequences?”).
What Should You Do?
There is no objective answer to this question, but a little clarity might be helpful. The important thing to keep in mind is that the way you resolve the cognitive inconsistency should be deliberate. Don’t leave your inner chaos unattended. That’s what most people do. They ignore their internal conflicts when they should be paying attention to them.
However, your brain returns to a state of harmony after a while by retorting to the fourth option. The inconsistency loses its importance with time, even when it might be something important that needs your attention. It prevents you from asking the most important questions of your life because they will disturb the harmony of your mind.
People in toxic relationships usually start defending their partner’s bitter behavior—becoming the advocate of their life’s devil. Do not go for the fourth option if you have to live with the consequences for a better part of your life. Don’t trivialize your bad habits, your toxic relationship, your love for animals.
You can find the instances of cognitive in a bunch of wildly different places in many shapes and forms. For instance, look at this comic strip published in 1992 by Scott Adams:
Important Note
Last week I shared the Notion page of my curation—The Goldmine of Internet. I want you to be constantly updated as I add more links to it. However, you cannot do that by saving my Notion page in your dashboard. It will only get saved as a template and won’t update in real-time. So make sure you keep the link in a safe place. In case you lose it, you can visit my last week’s post.
I appreciate your patience and dedication to read this essay. I am glad that you made it to the end. I hope you learned something new that will help you to live a more harmonious life and to deal with your bad habits.
I have been running this newsletter for the last eleven months, sharing the bits and pieces of my intellect with thousands of readers every month.
More than having a large audience, I want a sustainable group of the right people. People who get something out of these weekly essays. If you know someone who fits the bill, feel free to share my work with them. If you are new here and like what you just read, then by all means subscribe.
Amazing essay! Your way of expressing ideas and conveying meaning with them. Really enjoyed and learned
❤️